Why I spent $3k on myself when I was broke. (And yep, this actually happened!)

It’d been a rollercoaster few months, and while I’d been working for myself (and managing my business’ finances) for a good few years, nothing quite prepared me for what was about to unfold.

But let me first start by explaining what I mean by ‘broke’, because I wholly appreciate my situation seems very much a ‘first world problem’ from the outside looking in.

I’d had the luxury of side hustling for years; that comfy spot between semi-holding on to a version of a ‘day job’ that paid the bills (for me, this took the form of the most supportive retainer design client – love you ebow!), and semi-managing the adventure of growing my passion project/business on the side. The beauty of that setup being, each month I’d get a financial ‘top-up’, no matter what had happened (or not happened!) in my business.

NB, And just the for the record, I highly recommend the side hustle approach if you’re wanting to experiment with the idea of starting a business of your own – but that’s a whole separate series of blog posts tbh!

Anyway, where was I? Ah yes. The comfy spot. So this spot was so comfy, I’d been snuggling into it for five and a half years. And on reflection, I also showed no signs of me actually getting up out of it either. What can I say? It was comfy!

But little did I know then, what that comfy spot was actually about, was fear.

Now the process of building this business on the side, the business that I’m so insanely passionate about, is one of the most extreme scoops of a learning curve (mostly learning about myself may I add), I don’t think could ever quite find the words to describe it. And as I came to learn so much about myself and my behaviour, it became very apparent that the way I was going about things, meant I was never going to outgrow my side-hustle mentality.

Like ever.

And for some people, that sits totally okay with them. But for me, I knew I wanted my passion project to be my thing. Every time I worked in my ‘day job’, something began to feel not quite right. I enjoyed my work, I could deliver good work without too much pressure, I adored the people I worked with and felt fully supported, but it just wasn’t enough for me. And I buried this feeling for longer than I should’ve. This was my gut calling, and I shushed her. (And I should know better, because I’ve enough wisdom to know where shushing your gut eventually gets you – not a nice place).

Then every time I was working on my business, even in the 5am, beyond midnight, and weekend slots – I felt so fulfilled doing it. It energised me like nothing else. I’d totally lose track of time in those moments too. I simply felt true alignment with my passion, my natural strengths, and how I knew I could help the world – albeit in my teeny tiny way. It was then that I knew something drastic had to happen if I was ever going to take this seriously and go full-time on my business. I needed to scare myself and get my ass out of my comfy spot quite frankly! Gah! Was I really doing this?! #sh*ttingit

So yep. I did. I decided. Eep! And I started by turning my focus to saving up a pot of money to be able to take that leap.

Fast forward to 6 weeks post-leap. What I like to call ‘Self-Sabotage Central’.

So six weeks into the life I’d been dreaming about for years, I’d barely done a jot of work on my new business. And instead, I’d spent a whole lotta time on new design clients’ projects. Yup, you heard that right. Projects that (as adorable as my clients were), paid me less, took up more of my time and were the opposite of what I’d promised myself I’d do. My savings were depleting fast and I didn’t consciously realise at the time, but I was losing my head to fear – fear of not being good enough, fear of failure, fear of success – all of it! And I was beginning to convince myself that I’d made a terrible mistake. But equally, I knew that going backwards at this particular point didn’t feel like the right path to take either.

I was drowning in ambivalence and felt like I was running out of time to make a decision with how I was gonna pay the bills in the coming months.

And then I had an opportunity.

An opportunity to enrol on an online program that quite literally spoke to every fear, obstacle and pain point that I’d been experiencing. And it was a program that had proven results in helping other people move past every fear, obstacle and pain point that I’d been experiencing too. The timing was immaculate. Almost serendipitous. And I felt compelled or more so, physically pulled to do it.

But…it was $3,000 *gulp*

I was heartbroken when I saw the price of the investment. After feeling so pulled to do it, the thought that it then probably wasn’t the opportunity for me began to sink in. ‘That’s playing too big’, ‘I’m not ‘there’ yet’, ‘The timing’s not right’ and ‘I don’t have that kinda money to spend’. It was also an amount of money I’d never even entertained investing in myself before. Inner chatter like ‘That’d be ridiculously selfish and indulgent’, ‘Your family needs it’ and ‘Who do you think you are?’ to name a few.

Plus it’d mean I’d only be left with one month’s rent.

As the main breadwinner. And this is where the broke bit comes in.

‘I just can’t do it’.

But I fecking did. And I’ll tell you why.

If there’s one thing that spending that kinda money gives you, it’s freaking commitment. Commitment to doing things differently, commitment to your goals, commitment to make 👏 sh*t 👏 happen 👏 almost because you have no choice!

And as it turned out, that’s exactly what I’d needed all along = commitment to my cause. My lack of commitment to taking my business seriously up until that point was in no way a conscious decision. I thought I was all-in committed. I thought I was deadly serious. But I was actually, all-in fear instead. I was hanging back out of fear. I was self-sabotaging out of fear. I was creating a scenario where my only option seemed to be going backward – back to what I knew, back to what was safe and comfortable, all out of fear. Despite how out of alignment it made me feel.

After then making that commitment and doing the work in the program I committed to, I launched my own program within 4 weeks and had my first ever £10k month 😱 and that’s 100% not coming from a place of conceitedness or being bragadocious, it’s 100% coming from a place of showing you the very possibilities that open up to you when you go all in and commit – TO YOURSELF AND YOUR FUTURE.

And now, my attention turns to you honey ❤️️ you’ve read this far so something must be resonating. So what have you not been committing to and going all-in on? What have you been avoiding/procrastinating over/self-sabotaging out of fear and self-doubt? And remember, this can totally be (and probably is!) sub-conscious too.

I ask these questions because if that lack of commitment has anything to do with working out what you wanna do with your life. If that lack of commitment has anything to do with your lack of self-belief that you can change it – I have the very thing that can cut through all of that. I can help you finally work out what it is that you want from your life. I can help you master the mindset you need to create that life (yep, including mastering those fears!), AND I can help you activate the strategy you need to make that life your reality. I sh*t you not! 😄

The doors to The Imperfect Life® Designer are now OPEN (but only for a few short days), and I’d LOVE for you to come along to my free, live online training this week to show you exactly how I can help 😍 come choose your class here. But be quick, I’m not sure when I’ll be doing another just yet and there’s limited seats per class!

Really hope to see you there gorge 💋

Big love and all the feels, Kerry :D