How to not beat yourself up when you fail (or don’t get the results you want).
Now I firstly want to address my choice of words in this title. I used the word ‘fail’ simply because I know that’s probably the word you might use and relate to, but for me? I actually don’t use that word anymore in my own life’s dialogue. Like at all.
Why? Because I genuinely now see it as just a concept. An idea. A belief. Something that’s actually kinda ‘made up’ tbh! What it means to ‘fail’ to one person, can mean something completely different to the next. Which is actually the coolest news ever for you if you’re reading this post with the objective of wanting to no longer feel like a failure, or fear that you’ll be a failure. 🙌
If you want to learn how to not beat yourself up when you fail (or don’t get the results you want), you’ve got to change what failure means to you.
I had a really powerful group coaching call last night with the students of my online program, and so much centred around our fear of failure. It’s been a huge obstacle for me many times, it’s in so many other people’s way, and I’m guessing it’s probably in your way too; whether that’s a conscious thing you’re aware of, or whether it’s a sub-conscious thing you’re not yet clocking.
So how can you make that transition from beating yourself up through the result or prospect of ‘failing’, to no longer beating yourself up?!
You’ve gotta see it as a necessary and unavoidable part of your process. As in, GOT TO.
Think back to your toddling years (I know you likely don’t remember them personally, but imagine and humour me for a sec) 😉 when you were learning to walk specifically. How did that process go for you? Did you sit and wish and think about walking for years on end? Did you read about it, study how to do it, wait until you felt you could do it perfectly and then just start walking like a pro? High-fiving your posse at playgroup and then upgrading straight to moonwalking once you’d started too? OF COURSE NOT! So why are you setting those kinda unrealistic expectations of yourself now?
You didn’t overthink it. You started before you were ready and you persisted. You began when your muscles were weak and your feet were unsupportive. You wobbled and fell, and got bumped and bruised. Waaaaay more times than not. And sometimes it hurt. Sometimes you cried. Sometimes you sought comfort from feelings of frustration and defeat. But you 👏 kept 👏 trying 👏 You learnt what worked and what didn’t work from that discomfort, because all of that was a necessary and unavoidable part of your process. Failure as a concept was completely off the table for you. Did wobbling and falling and getting bumped and bruised signify failure? Again, OF COURSE NOT! Because you sub-consciously chose to not make them feel like failures. Then with time and experience, your muscles grew stronger, your feet more supportive. You became steadier and bore less bruises too.
And off you went like a beautiful bird flying/walking from the nest 😭💔😩😊
And right now in your life is EXACTLY THE SAME, just with different scenarios where you feel weak and ungrounded, and different experiences where you wobble, fall and get bumped and bruised. It’s all still a necessary and unavoidable part of your growth process.
It’s NOT failing.
You’re learning how to adult, you’re learning how to understand yourself, you’re learning where you excel and where you falter, and you’re learning what you want your life to look like. Allow yourself the grace to be okay with your weakness and inexperience while you learn how to strengthen. It’s a process. Embrace the exciting potential of the unknown ungroundedness while you learn to find your feet. It’s a process. Permit yourself the opportunity to grow and learn from your falls and bumps and bruises. It’s a process.
And also ask yourself, ‘what is this trying to teach me?’
I’m not trying to play down the fact that figurative falls and bumps and bruises in life can be painful, enduring and super-challenging. I feel them and have them as much as the next person, believe me! 🤕 But you genuinely have a choice on how much you choose to suffer from them, or grow from them.
Make a commitment to yourself to get the gold from your falls. Make a promise to yourself to glean the lesson from your bumps. Make a point to see the message within your bruises. Because they’re there I promise you. In each and every one.
And if you keep encountering the same figurative fall, bump and bruise, it’s because the lesson hasn’t yet been learnt from your bump. You haven’t yet got the gold from your fall. You’re yet to see the message within your bruise. So they’re gonna keep popping back up until you are ready to see and hear them.
And maybe that’s the biggest lesson of all; whatever you need to learn won’t quit until you’ve learnt it! Then and only then, can you upgrade to moonwalking 🕺
I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s read and it’s given you something to think about. As always, if you did dig the post, I’d go as far as to kiss your armpit if you gave this a little share and tagged me on Instagram 😁 [post-shower pits obvs]
Until next weekend beaut 💋